


better than before

by choomchoom



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Crying, F/F, Feelings, Getting Together, Post-Canon, Singing, unpacking a LOT of baggage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:40:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23487700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/choomchoom/pseuds/choomchoom
Summary: Pearl grapples with the possibility that her life might contain a second great love, and that it might look different from the first one. Moving on is beautiful but not easy.
Relationships: Amethyst & Garnet & Pearl (Steven Universe), Bismuth/Pearl (Steven Universe)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 69





	better than before

**Author's Note:**

> This follows pretty directly from some Pearl Stuff I explored in [sharp and glorious thorn](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20542766) – no direct references, but the two fics are functionally in the same universe
> 
> Finale spoilers!

Pearl feels the tension slip away from her form as she opens the door to Bismuth’s workshop. The song of hammer on molten metal and the heat of the forge are soothing, the promise of Bismuth that they represent more so. 

Bismuth strikes whatever she’s making one last time and then turns to Pearl. “Hi!”

“I brought you some reinforcing bolts for the anvil,” Pearl says, quickly enough that she can pretend the new supplies are the source of the joy in Bismuth’s expression. It’s nice to be liked, of course, but lately Bismuth has liked Pearl so much it strikes at a deep, uncomfortable place inside her. Pearl’s been trying to simply ignore it, because she likes Bismuth too much to avoid her.

Bismuth’s hand is warm as she takes the bag from Pearl. For a moment that’s all Pearl can think about. She scrambles for something to say because she can tell that if she doesn’t speak first, Bismuth is about to say something kind that will make Pearl’s mind go completely empty. “I can help you with the construction. I think if we use these, we can make the anvil twice as durable.”

“Thanks,” Bismuth says, infusing it with so much warmth that it hits again at that uncomfortable place inside of Pearl, making her feel like she’s about to go into freefall.

“You’re busy,” she says, already backing out of the workshop. “I’ll come back tomorrow.” Without waiting for a response and not daring to take in any more of the soft look on Bismuth’s face, she flees.

* * *

Pearl finds Garnet standing on her head, copying a human instructing a yoga class on the TV. Garnet reaches forward with her foot and shuts the TV off as she flips herself over. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

Pearl flinches. Garnet could only be talking about the same thing Pearl had come to her to ask about – herself and Bismuth. If Garnet already knows about it…that means it’s probably important. Consequential. It’s not going to just fade away like Pearl had covertly been hoping.

“Come sit.” Garnet pats the floor beside her where she’s now leaning up against Steven’s – Greg’s – bed.

It’s a relief to go sit next to Garnet. It’s a relief, right now, to be told what to do.

Garnet doesn’t say anything else, so Pearl squeezes her eyes shut and asks what she came here to ask. “Does it…mean anything when Bismuth –” she chokes on the words a little, not even understanding why it scares her so much to ask “when Bismuth smiles at me, and gives me gifts, and listens to me, and –” Pearl thinks about the soft looks, the reverent way Bismuth touches her, and gestures helplessly instead of finishing the sentence.

“I don’t think you need me to answer that question,” Garnet says.

Pearl covers her face with her hands, feeling the beginnings of tears on her palms.

“Pearl.” Garnet wraps an arm around her and pulls her closer, tucking her into Garnet’s side. Pearl takes a few shaky breaths, but can’t quite make the tears stop.

“What should I do?” Pearl asks.

Garnet strokes her back. “That depends on what you want to do.”

“I suppose it does.” Garnet’s rock-steady presence is helping, and the situation feels significantly less overwhelming than it did a few minutes ago. Pearl still shudders before completing the thought. “With Rose, it felt inevitable. This feels…like a choice.”

“I don’t think that’s a bad thing.”

“Maybe it isn’t. But it’s harder. I don’t know what I should do.” ‘ _Why?’_ Pearl’s mind supplies – a question she knows Garnet won’t ask. “I’m scared to hurt her. I was never scared of hurting Rose.”

Garnet is silent. Pearl asks herself, again, _‘Why?’_

“I couldn’t have hurt her. She didn’t care enough to be hurt by me.”

Garnet’s hand freezes in place for just a moment, then resumes its motion.

Pearl pulls away, just enough to see Garnet’s face. “Bismuth loves me.”

She’s not quite sure if she’s asking a question, but Garnet nods.

The rush of feeling – excitement, dread, hope – is less terrifying than Pearl would have expected.

Of course that’s when Amethyst comes in, gnawing on something from the fairgrounds. Never one to say no to group cuddle time, she bounds up the stairs and seats herself on Garnet’s lap, stacking her legs on top of Pearl’s. Garnet puts her free arm around her. “What’s up?” Amethyst asks.

Pearl starts to laugh, because it’s better than crying again.

“We’re discussing Bismuth and Pearl’s relationship status,” Garnet elaborates.

Pearl feels her face start to warm at the word _relationship_ and hides her face behind her hands again.

“Hey, good for you.” Amethyst pokes at Pearl’s cheek until she looks up. “So, what _is_ the relationship status?”

Garnet doesn’t do Pearl the kindness of answering for her this time, so Pearl attempts to. “I think it’s what the humans call _complicated._ ”

“We can work with that,” says Amethyst, with a conviction that eases Pearl’s worry a little. “So, you like her, she likes you. Why is it complicated?”

“Because I don’t know if I “like” her,” Pearl says. Air quotes are so useful. “Of course I – I enjoy her company, and she’s kind to me and respects me and she’s never treated me like a pearl, not once, and she listens to me and tells me things and I don’t know what I would do if I – if we lost her again –”

“Is there a _but_ coming? Because I’m pretty convinced.”

“ _But_ it’s not like it was with Rose.”

Garnet and Amethyst both tense up a little at the way she chokes out the name, which is fair. Pearl’s feelings about Rose have tended to end destructively, for Pearl and her friends. But she’s there all the time, in Pearl’s mind, shaping everything Pearl does, everything Pearl _thinks_. Rose is tangled indelibly into the core of who Pearl became. Pearl can’t imagine herself without her.

“I don’t know if I can feel like that again,” Pearl says, thinking back to those early days, when Rose had been her purpose, her guide, her master, her liberator. When she’d loved Rose wholly and without question.

“Maybe that means you don’t _like_ her,” Garnet says, doing the air quotes with her voice somehow. “And maybe it means you’re not ready. And maybe it means that you’ve grown.”

Pearl finds herself smiling at the last possibility. Of course she doesn’t feel the way she felt back then – she can’t be that reliant on a person to guide her, not anymore. She’s gained too much self-respect.

Thinking about Bismuth, in the context of Garnet’s gentle probing wisdom about what love is supposed to feel like, is a revelation.

Bismuth feels like warmth. Bismuth feels like light. Bismuth feels like a support strut that Pearl can lean on, rely on. Bismuth feels like someone who can grow with her – who already has. She thinks about kissing Bismuth and practically shivers with anticipation.

She wraps Garnet and Amethyst up in a tight hug. “Thank you,” she says. “I think I need to go talk to Bismuth.”

* * *

She spends about an hour pacing in her room, trying to come up with what to say. In the end, she brings the guitar.

Bismuth is still at the workshop when she checks. The smile on her face when she sees Pearl at the entrance makes Pearl want to run up and kiss her then and there.

She doesn’t want to fumble through the conversation that would ensue from _that_ , though, so she says, like she planned, “Do you have a few minutes? We could go upstairs to talk.”

“I always have a few minutes for you, Pearl,” Bismuth says, setting down her hammer. Pearl hides her smile at that behind her hand as she follows Bismuth up the back stairs to the roof of the forge.

It’s cooler outside, and Bismuth’s shoulders hike up a little at the change in temperature. It’s all Pearl can do to not wrap her arms around Bismuth in that instant.

She pulls the guitar out of her gem and doesn’t let Bismuth get a word in before she starts to strum.

_Every day since I met you,_

_You knew I could be more_

Pearl had practiced the song once in front of Greg, who had given it a teary thumbs-up. With their resident expert’s good review, Pearl is confident as she plays and sings. When she sneaks a glance at Bismuth, she’s smiling, with tears at the corners of her eyes.

_I’m better now and I want you with me,_

_To be better than before._

_I’m better now and I want you,_

_I want us to be more._

“Pearl –” Bismuth extends a hand toward Pearl, who shoves the guitar back into her gem to reach for her.

She isn’t sure who grabs who first. She isn’t sure which of them initiates the crushing kiss she finds herself wrapped up in, just that Bismuth is holding her and her arms are around Bismuth, and that she wants to stay here forever.

**Author's Note:**

> there's been a "bispearl real???!!!" loop going on in my head ever since i watched all of future earlier this week so i had to do something about it
> 
> thanks so much for reading!


End file.
